24th June Super bad Day for a lousy mummie

Today was really a super bad day for me. All these while, Ryann have not been taking solids well. Frankly speaking, he wasn't taking EBM well too. Less then 100ml, he will struggle and flip and want to play. Must always sing song to him, distract him with toys or his favourite vcds. Last resort is to warm up the milk again and wait for a while before we feed again.

Ryann always had problem with solids too. Initially when we first introduce cereal, he show no interest at all too. Then mum realize that maybe the fruits we use is of poor quality thus after steaming will not taste sweet. Mum went to buy the more expensive pears,apple,sweet potatoes. pumpkin etc. We increase the cube to 1 cube per meal with cereal (2 - 3 scoop)
After a while Ryann start to show slight interest with cereal. Although certain food, he still don't quite like them. Certain days will be good days and certain days are bad.

2 days ago on Sunday, Ryann reject mee sua and cereal too. Worried, i called mum from office on Monday, Ryann ate his cereal but after much coaxing and tricking of cos. Tri is so patience with Ryann. Today, was thinking since Ryann finished his bowl of porridge (Nestle instant porridge - my last resort since Ryann total reject porridge) on Monday, I will try today too. The moment he see my spoon, he never even open his mouth, lips all tight, turn away from me and total reject the food. Resorted me to get water and feed him, I said water and let him feel the water on his lips then he willingly open his mouth. Tried so many times, he just refuse to open his mouth and start crying and crying.
I seriously don't understand why he is not eating. If Tri manage to feed him yesterday, why ain't he eating today? Was it because it is me who is feeding? Was it because i always give him stress when i feed him? I felt really so lousy. Felt like a useless mother who cant even feed his own son well. I was really mad because i tried all the ways i know to feed him and to trick him but still useless. I couldn't take it anymore. I left him on the high chair crying, i off the TV and Barney Vcd and i walk away. I really in the verge of crying already. I felt so helpless and lousy. Maybe i am not cut out to be a mother. I don't have the patience. Ryann continue to cry and scream. I cooled myself down and went to sayang him and tried to feed again. Once again, he reject. All the porridge inside his mouth but he just refuse to swallow. Again i couldn't take it any more.
To the extreme, i push his high chair to a corner facing the storeroom door(from that angle he cant watch Barney on TV ) I told him off and he cried even louder because he know i am very mad at him. I sat on the sofa, on Barney vcd and eat his porridge in front of him. And there he was at his thinking corner not allowed to watch TV and watching me eat his porridge. After a while of crying and screaming. hubby couldn't take it anymore, and went to sayang him. Ryann as usual start to complain and i strictly tell hubby to leave him and don't carry him.
I walk over to Ryann and start reasoning out with him, i start to talk to him like i talking to an adult and tell him why he must behave like that and make mummy so angry. Immediately his cries and screams stopped and he look at me quietly. He reach out his hands and tried to hold my hand. Tell me how to be angry anymore. I was basically crying and crying while talking to him. No words can describe how hurt and lousy i felt as a mother.
Warm up the milk already, i carried Ryann to the room and fed him milk.As i fed him, my tears were still flowing like water hose. Thinking my little ah beng will change and not make mummy angry. Fat hope! Drank about 90ml then he start to ek ek ek again. Sweep the bottle away, flipped and start climbing up and down again. My blood boil again. Trying to prevent him from falling off the bed, then tried to feed him but he just couldn't sit still. My tears couldn't stop this time. I cry and cry non stop. Hubby heard his screams came to took over. I looked at the time, time to pump milk again. =(
Inside my heart i was telling myself, why sacrifice so much pumping milk enduring the pain and yet Ryann doesn't even like my milk. As i pump, my tears never stop. Of cos milk supply affected. Exclusively pumping for him is not easy, i sacrifice my sleep, my health (my health have not been really good recently due to lack of sleep) and my time. Because i always need to express milk, thus we never able to go out for a long time.
Finished pumping, hubby came in with a still happy and smiling Ryann and tell Ryann to show me he finished his milk le and ask me don't angry. I don't know if i should be angry or upset. At that moment of time, i only felt really lousy as a mother. I don't even have the patience to feed Ryann. I always tell myself, don't keep screaming or scolding Ryann because it will have an negative effect on him but seriously speaking, i really cant control myself. How much i wished but i couldn't control my temper. Maybe i should go to attend some anger management course.

To destress myself, i played PC game. Just to destress and cool myself down. After that, i clean up the house.(I have got this habit when i am unhappy i will want to clean up the house)
Ryann off for his nap.

Woke up at 4 plus. Ryann is a happy baby as usual. Smiling and cheerful like nothing happen just now. 5 plus, need to feed cereal again. I deliberately choose rice with mixed fruit which was his favourite. With hubby carrying him, Ryann ate. I was so happy. First few mouth was okay, then Ryann's pattern start again. I have to show him i eat also then try to feed him. At first was ok, suddenly, hubby went to feed him water in bottle!!! I also don't know why he did it. Then Ryann start to reject cereal again! Was so mad lor. He keep wanting to drink water and don't want cereal. All methods also useless and Ryann deliberately split out the cereal on me and hubby. Luckily was just a little bit but that was enough to make me boil to the extreme. I start scolding him again, and he kept quiet as if he know i am scolding him. I said stop! and he kept quiet and stop for a while then start again when my spoon comes near. I smack him 2 times really hard on his thigh area. Couldn't take it anymore. I went to the kitchen, throw the cereal bowl in the sink with a loud bang and grab my pumping equipments. Went into the room, i slammed the door real hard, and started crying. Crying really badly this time round, again when i was pumping milk for Ryann. I hid inside the room for a while. I don't want to see Ryann. My head is spinning and my eyes are painful. Most importantly, my heart hurts. I am lost. I don't like the feeling that i have lost control over the situation whereby i don't have any idea what to do now.
Hubby fed milk again, once again must split into 2 times then he finishes his milk. Again he came to me with the empty bottle to show me Ryann finished his milk le and ask me don't worry.

Lost all appetite to eat. Hubby cook fried rice for me. Only ate at 8 plus. While we are eating, i gave Ryann white bread. Allow him to feed himself. He finished 1 slice (without the crust). At least he had a bit of carbo. Dream fed him milk, only drink 150ml. better the nothing. Tomorrow when Mum see his food dairy, sure will comment on me again. Will they ever understand how hurt i was already? The person who feel the most pain is always the mother.

I am really tired. I think i failed badly as a mother. Maybe i am not cut out to be one. Maybe i should not even think about number 2. I am so useless. Cannot even manage a baby well. Don't understand why Ryann behaves like this. Must be some where i did wrong that is why he rejects solids now. I don't know why this happen but i really hope it will be over soon. I hope this is just a phrase. Maybe i should just give up giving solids to him and introduce slightly later. Maybe it is due to teething. There is so many maybe but i can't do anything.

God, Please give me the patience, give me the strength, give me a slow to anger heart and all wisdom that i need to handle Ryann. I Plead.