8th Sept - 10 sept Camping at KKH

Nightmare had begun.

Ryann had rashes on his back thus i brought him to Dr Tan immediately that morning. And the bad news came. Ryann had 4 ulcers at the back of his throat and rashes breaking out on his back and limbs. Dr Tan said it is hand foot mouth disease.

My heart stopped a minute and i wasn't thinking. How could it happen to Ryann? I was really careful with going out with Ryann and i didn't even bring him out for the past week! I didn't know what i was thinking at that time. All i could think of is, "Am i losing Ryann?" My heart ache so much. Now i understand what is called unlucky! Being so cautious and trying to avoid and minimise exposure to hfmd is useless when you are unlucky. After coming out of the clinic, my tears started to flow. All i wanted was to hug Ryann and cry.

Went on the Internet and google about hfmd. Luckily Ryann was still drinking well. Was just telling some of my friends that luckily Ryann is still feeding well, the next thing Ryann rejected food in the evening already. Really jinx myself. Why cant i just shut up! Ryann was crying persistently and nothing could calm him down. He vomited 2 times and that got me even worried and i started screaming at hubby to pack his bag and go KK and ended up scolding him for taking a top that Ryann can no longer fit. Ryann was crying even louder. I guess at that moment of time, i am just a useless mother who cant help my own son. There was practically nothing i could do to relieve his pain in his mouth.

Went straight to KKH. The journey there, i cried all the way with Ryann in my arms. Ryann exhausted himself with his cries and fell sleep on the way there. While waiting for Ryann's turn, Corrine called and ask me some questions about hfmd rash and said that angel had a bit of rash on her hands. That really scare me and i am so worried Ryann might spread to angel. That is the last thing i ever want to happen. I told myself why am i such a jinx? I lost friendships which i treasured the last time Ryann was sick.Till now, the pain of losing those friends are still there. I do not wish to lose Corrine too. At that moment of time, I told myself if Angel got it. I am going to disappear in the motherhood forum forever and never to meet up with any mummies forever since i am born such a jinx. OR maybe i should really go away. I cried uncontrollably after i hang up the phone. Every one was just staring at me in the A&E department.

Doc said that Ryann had more then 10 ulcers in his throat and because he is not feeding well, he need to be warded. Felt so worried. I prayed to God to relieve his pain and cure him. Warded into Isolation ward 31 bed 26. Poor Ryann couldn't sleep. Mum, Xiao Gu and SIL came to visit him. I was really upset and i didn't want any visitors as i do not want any of my love ones to get hfmd as well. It will only hurt me further. I hugged Ryann to sleep and as Ryann was dozing off, My tears kept flowing and flowing. They just kept quiet and let me cry.

The ward doctor tried to insert the needle for the drip for Ryann but couldn't locate the veins. Ryann was crying so badly. It hurt me even further to hear him cry. Finally manage to insert the drip. I went into the room and saw Ryann staring at me like he is asking me:"Mummy, why did you leave me here with them and let them hurt me with the needle?" So poor thing. Hubby and I slept overnight with Ryann. Ryann was running a temperature. Luckily, the panadol helped to relieve his pain and Ryann manage to sleep for a while.

The next day, Ryann was feeling better already although at times he is still very cranky. Hubby was real detail this time, he brought along Ryann's favourite book and DVD player with Ryann's favourite sesame street vcd and music cartoons. I am so thankful for hubby. With out him, i think i wouldn't be able to pull through. He took care of Ryann at night so that i could get enough rest to pump milk. And he let me sleep on the bed while he slept on the chair. I thank God for him. Ryann was able to climb up and down the cot and play with us in the afternoon. Manage to drink 150, 160,150 and 100ml for that day. But he pulled the drip out. He was practically moving every where and got the tube tangled around him for a couple of times. But this naughty boy start to whine and cry at the sight of any nurse or doctors. Haiz....

Ryann's rashes got worse but doctor said that it could be viral infection or chicken pox as usually hfmd doesn't have rashes on the back and face. But because Ryann had mouth ulcers, they will still label it as hfmd. Did a few test but wasn't told of the results. Ryann's rashes came on and off for a couple of times which was unusual but could also means that his antibodies are fighting the virus.

Finally, today, Ryann managed to get clearance from the doctors to be discharge back home to rest. still need to quarantine him for a week but at least i am relieved that he is recovering. Sad... We are going to miss Rhys birthday again! First birthday, i having confinement, 2nd birthday, i am quarantined. Sign...

Thanks to all the nice doctors and nurses from ward 31 KKH.

Thru out the period of time, Hubby and i had close contact with Ryann despite knowing it will spread to us. I guess this is what is called unconditioned love. I think God is trying to tell me that He gave us unconditioned love too. It is ok if i got the virus from Ryann. As long as i can give comfort to Ryann, even if it may cost me my life. On 12th Sept 2007 7.46pm, I gave birth to Ryann. I gave him a life. From that moment of time, nothing matters more then Ryann's life. Now i really understand what is called mother's unconditioned love.